Something bizzzzarre has happened tonight.
I have seen my past.
Every once in a while I google my real dad’s name, just to see if something actually crops up. For whatever reason, I decided to use Facebook tonight (which I am prone to doing). I then thought that my cousin (who was born only a few months before the last time I saw my real dad) would be of a reasonable age to be on Facebook.
Thus, I found my cousin’s page. And hence, found my grandfather’s page.
I felt sick, ill-at-ease, and quick angry all at once. Not least because my cousin, who I have a distinct memory of being just a tiny baby, in the early 2000s, being this scummy little cunt who works at “Being a full time mad bastard”. I saw faces that I have not seen in more than that of half my life. Faces that I believed no longer to exist in a world where I am not the person I was eleven years ago. I feel so fucked up because of this and I really can’t sleep now.
There was no sign of my real dad on any of the Facebook pages, to which I also found one of my aunt’s. Seeing as I usually never find anything on my dad when I go a-looking, this is something different, and I don’t know how to follow it up.