disco dancing hipster heaven

Okay, so…

Something bizzzzarre has happened tonight.

I have seen my past.

Every once in a while I google my real dad’s name, just to see if something actually crops up.  For whatever reason, I decided to use Facebook tonight (which I am prone to doing).  I then thought that my cousin (who was born only a few months before the last time I saw my real dad) would be of a reasonable age to be on Facebook.

Thus, I found my cousin’s page.  And hence, found my grandfather’s page.

I felt sick, ill-at-ease, and quick angry all at once.  Not least because my cousin, who I have a distinct memory of being just a tiny baby, in the early 2000s, being this scummy little cunt who works at “Being a full time mad bastard”.  I saw faces that I have not seen in more than that of half my life.  Faces that I believed no longer to exist in a world where I am not the person I was eleven years ago.  I feel so fucked up because of this and I really can’t sleep now.

There was no sign of my real dad on any of the Facebook pages, to which I also found one of my aunt’s.  Seeing as I usually never find anything on my dad when I go a-looking, this is something different, and I don’t know how to follow it up.

Fuck it.

Way back when…

Of late I have been thinking about the future.  The future and of success.  I recall wanting to be famous when I was younger, a goal that I never thought would be that hard to achieve once you put all of your energy into it.  As years passed me by and my dreams of becoming famous began to fall by the wayside, I had set my sights on another goal - success.

The difference, in my mind, between fame and success is that you can reap almost identical benefits from both sides.  One fairly large factor is that what we know as “the public sphere” or “the public interest”.  I do not want my life to be in the interest of the public unless I have either written a novel or finally made it in some aspect of the media (and by some aspect I mean, like, acting or directing or editing).

Success has been on my mind for the last year or so, perhaps in part due to my graduating and entering postgraduate studies.  A small success came to me when I made a radio documentary on the effects of alcoholism on my own family.  I was told by two teachers of mine (who are well-respected in their fields in media) that I had made a remarkable piece of work.  The subjectivity of the field that I want to work in requires one to have quite a stiff upper lip, and I can openly admit that I am not one who deals well with failure, but that was a great way to begin 2014.  I was told by one of the sound engineers that he had sold his undergraduate documentary to BBC and made a sizeable amount of money for it too.  The fact that I have the option to sell something of my own creation to a major broadcaster is astonishing to me.  For me, that is success.  I probably won’t sell it, not for a while anyway, because it’s far too personal and defamatory to the person it’s based on, but hey, everyone’s got to start somewhere, right?

Lastly, if success means that I can live a happy and relatively stress-free life, as well as provide worldly comforts for my future family, I will strive as much as my body will allow me to become a success.

Here’s to 2014 and beyond.